I Remember

I started some therapy yesterday. I cherish the memories that bringing with my ex brought. So I thought of a good way to keep the memories without fighting to keep them. I've started a list of all the things that I remember about being with him. Good memories that occurred for us both. So in this way, I won't feel the need to fight to remember them. It might seem like this method would bring more memories on...but I think it's working, I feel less stressed once I write these memories down. That way, I will always have them but they won't have to be in forefront of my mind. Just like we talked about baby!

I wouldn't list them here because the list is absolutely huge and ongoing for the time being. These memories encompass seven years so it's no wonder the list is so huge and so long. But I will keep this list. I might not look at it often...but it will always be there. Like a part of him will always be with me.

And now for a private service announcement:
And yes, I read your blog. That's no secret. As you read mine. When I read something that makes me mad, I don't lash out. Makes me wonder. Anyway, you have no idea what was said in me and my ex's life. You don't know the conversations, things that were said, feelings that were had. And you will never know and you will never understand. And I wouldn't expect you to understand. Not sure what your problem is. You have what you want, so why do you insist to soil my memories and what I have. You have your life and it's totally separate from mine. And mine is separate from yours. I realize this. There's no need to get your panties in a bunch. I'm not in a competition with anybody. So I have no idea why you are acting like I'm competing. I'm writing what I feel. That's what a blog is. Just so you know, I will continue to write about what I feel. Like I said, if it offends anybody, just don't read. And this is my therapy, if anybody, I would think you would like me to get over him the most. So you stick to writing about your life and I'll write about mine.

Focus on your own life please. The life I focus on is mine and my past. I'm chilled out and you should be too! So yes, I repeat, I loved my ex's son. The things that we did and said concerning him, were done when we were young and that's how we rolled. Once again, I don't expect you to understand. We were a family. No, not anymore, but I recognize what I had in my past. I lost that, I don't have it anymore. But I have my future. But that doesn't mean I have to totally forget my past because it makes me a part of who I am. In the end, what I write doesn't matter to your life. It shouldn't matter to you how I feel about him or anybody else. Just know that he loves you. So just chill out, read my blog, and enjoy your life, and mine too since your reading. Have a great day! :)

I miss Two :(

I have been thinking about my ex's son more and more lately. I miss him a lot. I grew to love him as much as my ex did. I saw him grow up from the cutest chubbiest baby to a respectful young man. (He's not that old but he had to grow up quickly so I call him young man.) I remember when we went to get him for the weekend and he didn't want to go back home. I loved spending time with him, rollerskating, shopping, and Christmas's were the best.

I know I will probably never see him again. Who knows, I might see him around in the Ville. It's not such a big place. If he sees me and recognizes me, I'd be excited. I no longer have a volatile relationship with his mother so I don't think she'd mind if I said hi. I'll keep an eye out for him on the high school football team and will be rooting for him. For seven years he was a part of my life so it's as impossible to put him aside as it is my ex.

I hope he's doing well. He's loving little boy who I will never forget. My favorite picture is still one of him grinning with a chubby face leaning on the edge of the bed. People always thought I was his mom when we were out and after a while we stopped correcting them. Ahhhh good memories to hold onto.

Going to Rehab

J and I were IMing while we were at work today (I get my work done, no worries) and we had a lot of deep conversations. There were a lot of realizations today and a lot of things that I know I have to work on. Most of them are regarding my ex (of course). It's almost like I'm in a rehabilitation center and I have to go to weekly (or daily) therapy sessions.

I realized that I feel responsible for my ex still. I want to protect him from all the hurts in the world and from unhappiness and stress. Ironic since I was the one that brought him the most hurt, unhappiness, and stress. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying what I feel. But as J told me, it's not my job anymore. He can take care of himself. And I know he can...but I have to break myself of me trying to shelter him. Not sure how this is to be accomplished but this is another issue that I have to work on. Another thing that will take time

I also realize that I still feel a connection with him. No matter how many months I go without hearing from him or how many hundreds of miles away he is, I feel him. It's like something I can almost palpate....and hold in my hands. I feel him. I think a part of me is scared of losing that connection. I'm not saying it's a two-way connection. I have no way of knowing that. Of course a part of me wishes it was two-way. That's another thing I have to deal with in my "therapy session". That connection is something I am afraid to sever if that is even possible. The funny thing is I think the connection started when I was 12 years old and I have held onto it for 17 years. Since I was a young girl, it's been there....like a close friend. As insane as that sounds.

I don't know how J stays with me when I tell him this. This openness and honesty is something I have never had before. I tell him things that should make me drop him in an instant...and yet he stays. And continues to hold my hand through my withdrawal. Wonder if it's really like a withdrawal. I am glad to discover things about me. Talking brings it out. Thanks for staying with me J...I'm hoping I'll be worth it in the end and not too broken.