Going to Rehab

J and I were IMing while we were at work today (I get my work done, no worries) and we had a lot of deep conversations. There were a lot of realizations today and a lot of things that I know I have to work on. Most of them are regarding my ex (of course). It's almost like I'm in a rehabilitation center and I have to go to weekly (or daily) therapy sessions.

I realized that I feel responsible for my ex still. I want to protect him from all the hurts in the world and from unhappiness and stress. Ironic since I was the one that brought him the most hurt, unhappiness, and stress. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying what I feel. But as J told me, it's not my job anymore. He can take care of himself. And I know he can...but I have to break myself of me trying to shelter him. Not sure how this is to be accomplished but this is another issue that I have to work on. Another thing that will take time

I also realize that I still feel a connection with him. No matter how many months I go without hearing from him or how many hundreds of miles away he is, I feel him. It's like something I can almost palpate....and hold in my hands. I feel him. I think a part of me is scared of losing that connection. I'm not saying it's a two-way connection. I have no way of knowing that. Of course a part of me wishes it was two-way. That's another thing I have to deal with in my "therapy session". That connection is something I am afraid to sever if that is even possible. The funny thing is I think the connection started when I was 12 years old and I have held onto it for 17 years. Since I was a young girl, it's been there....like a close friend. As insane as that sounds.

I don't know how J stays with me when I tell him this. This openness and honesty is something I have never had before. I tell him things that should make me drop him in an instant...and yet he stays. And continues to hold my hand through my withdrawal. Wonder if it's really like a withdrawal. I am glad to discover things about me. Talking brings it out. Thanks for staying with me J...I'm hoping I'll be worth it in the end and not too broken.