True Life

Last night, I watched two episodes of True Life on MTV. I have been watching this show for years but it has never hit that close to home like it did last night.

The first episode was "I Don't Trust My Partner". In no way, shape, or form does this apply to my relationship now. This applies to my past relationships. The way that these people responded to each other and how they didn't believe what the other said. It reminded me so much of what I came from. One of couples realized that the key to trusting each other was to have more open communication. After they discovered this, things became so much better. Then a month later, he passed away. It made me really sad to see this. It took me almost 30 years to realize that open communication is the best way to keep a relationship going. It saddens me to see couples who have yet to reach that. You might not like what the other has to say, but if they truly love you, they will stay with you as long as your honest. That episode let me see what I have come from and I thank God over and over for the relationship that I have now with J.

The next episode was "I Can't Stay Thin". At first I thought the episode would just be about individuals who have a problem with their weight. But it was so much more than that. I recognized so much of myself in this episode. There were two individuals in the episode, a girl who kept yo-yo dieting and a guy who would go through periods of binging and starvation.

I identified with the girl because she was insistent that she didn't care about being healthy, she just wanted to lose the weight fast so she could look better and feel better about herself. She mentioned how she hated to look at herself in pictures and in the mirror. Even though her family and boyfriend were telling her that she was beautiful, she didn't see it. This was heart wrenching because it sounded so much like me in my mind sometimes. There were times when I didn't care what I ate did to my body. I just wanted to lose. So I could look at the mirror and smile.

The guy in the episode used to be morbidly obese. He looked in the mirror one day and committed himself to getting to his target weight of 215. He moved away from his family, friends, quit his job, stayed in his apartment all day, and ate one meal of about 300 to 400 calories every day. He made it to his target weight over a year later. He started to binge and starve, binge and starve. It brought tears to my eyes to remember how I used to do something like this. Nowhere near as extreme but the same feelings. When he was binging, he told the camera that he would do better tomorrow, this was the last time. It was heartbreaking because I knew exactly what he felt. He mentioned that food numbs him....and I know that feeling. When something bad happens, I used to eat the pain away.

Watching these two young people struggle for a healthy body weight and a positive self image made me reflect on my own body image. I haven't liked my weight since I was in high school and I'm working towards being ok with myself now. I have a slow metabolism which works against me and I have to be content that weight loss will not be fast. It will be slow for me. I can't binge when I do eat bad, but I don't have to eat good all the time. Finding a healthy balance for me and what works for me is ideal. I want to be healthy with a positive body image. I'm working toward it. I am.