This is a post that I have been hesitant to write. This is a post that forces me to be brutally honest to myself. I will confront things and admit things that I usually wouldn't do.
I also hesitate to write it because there are others that would be happy at my misfortune or laugh at my sadness. I really didn't want to feed that but then I realized that this post is about me. And not about them.
So why post? Because I think that other people might be in the same boat and I want them to know that they are not alone. Because sometimes, I feel really alone in dealing with this. This post is about my weight.
Before someone immediately jumps to conclusions and say, stop eating what you want and work out and stop being lazy, maybe stop and read what I'm going to say.
I have always had a problem with my weight. I have never been extremely overweight but I've always weighed more than my friends which made it hard sometimes. When they would pinch the skin of their sides and proclaim themselves fat or that they needed to lose weight, that did not have a positive effect on my self-image.
My weight has fluctuated up and down depending on what I am going through. When I am happy, I tend to gain weight. When I am sad and stressed, I tend to lose. When I am feeling good, my weight increases and it's hard to keep it down.
A couple of years ago, I went through a really bad time and my weight plummeted. I lost 30 pounds in a month. It was very unhealthy but I didn't do it intentionally. But I did like how I looked at the end.
I have gained all of that back plus some more for good measure. I look at myself and it's hard to tell myself that I like how I look. Because I really don't. Reminders of how I want to look are everywhere. Every woman I see, I compare myself to. And I seem to keep coming up lacking.
I have said in my mind so many times. Ok, instead of thinking about it, do it. Eat healthy and exercise. But this quickly digresses and I end up not doing it or I end up making excuses. There are physical reasons why I can't lose weight and to those women I want to let them know they are not alone.
I do have a problem with eating what I want. I have an impulse problem which tends to bleed out into every facet of my life. If I want something, I tend to do it without thinking of the consequences. I have managed to not let this disrupt my personal life, but I still allow this in other areas of my life which is not a good idea.
A very big reason why I have problems losing weight is that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. There are a lot of symptoms but one of these is weight gain and difficulty losing weight. I am taking medication for it but it doesn't really help the symptoms even though my dosage has been increased.
And the third thing is that I HATE exercise. I have tried gyms, weights, tae bo, running and I hate it all. I have tried pilates or zumba so those are also possibilities but I'm not sure if I have enough time to do those.
So here I am, overweight and not happy with myself. Yes I have an actual disorder that keeps me from losing weight like other people, that does not mean I have to be stuck at my weight. I refuse to use that as an excuse. So I have to do it. Somehow. I really want to like what I see in the mirror.
So any other woman who is in the same place as me, just know you are not alone. And it can be done. Support is out there for those who need it.
I feel like I am rambling now and this is one of the longest posts I have ever posted. But my goal is slow and steady and not fret over every single pound. Thanks to all that support me and stand by me and tell me I am beautiful the way I am.
Tao of Cao
2 years ago