Woman in the Mirror

This is a post that I have been hesitant to write. This is a post that forces me to be brutally honest to myself. I will confront things and admit things that I usually wouldn't do.

I also hesitate to write it because there are others that would be happy at my misfortune or laugh at my sadness. I really didn't want to feed that but then I realized that this post is about me. And not about them.

So why post? Because I think that other people might be in the same boat and I want them to know that they are not alone. Because sometimes, I feel really alone in dealing with this. This post is about my weight.

Before someone immediately jumps to conclusions and say, stop eating what you want and work out and stop being lazy, maybe stop and read what I'm going to say.

I have always had a problem with my weight. I have never been extremely overweight but I've always weighed more than my friends which made it hard sometimes. When they would pinch the skin of their sides and proclaim themselves fat or that they needed to lose weight, that did not have a positive effect on my self-image.

My weight has fluctuated up and down depending on what I am going through. When I am happy, I tend to gain weight. When I am sad and stressed, I tend to lose. When I am feeling good, my weight increases and it's hard to keep it down.

A couple of years ago, I went through a really bad time and my weight plummeted. I lost 30 pounds in a month. It was very unhealthy but I didn't do it intentionally. But I did like how I looked at the end.

I have gained all of that back plus some more for good measure. I look at myself and it's hard to tell myself that I like how I look. Because I really don't. Reminders of how I want to look are everywhere. Every woman I see, I compare myself to. And I seem to keep coming up lacking.

I have said in my mind so many times. Ok, instead of thinking about it, do it. Eat healthy and exercise. But this quickly digresses and I end up not doing it or I end up making excuses. There are physical reasons why I can't lose weight and to those women I want to let them know they are not alone.

I do have a problem with eating what I want. I have an impulse problem which tends to bleed out into every facet of my life. If I want something, I tend to do it without thinking of the consequences. I have managed to not let this disrupt my personal life, but I still allow this in other areas of my life which is not a good idea.

A very big reason why I have problems losing weight is that I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. There are a lot of symptoms but one of these is weight gain and difficulty losing weight. I am taking medication for it but it doesn't really help the symptoms even though my dosage has been increased.

And the third thing is that I HATE exercise. I have tried gyms, weights, tae bo, running and I hate it all. I have tried pilates or zumba so those are also possibilities but I'm not sure if I have enough time to do those.

So here I am, overweight and not happy with myself. Yes I have an actual disorder that keeps me from losing weight like other people, that does not mean I have to be stuck at my weight. I refuse to use that as an excuse. So I have to do it. Somehow. I really want to like what I see in the mirror.

So any other woman who is in the same place as me, just know you are not alone. And it can be done. Support is out there for those who need it.

I feel like I am rambling now and this is one of the longest posts I have ever posted. But my goal is slow and steady and not fret over every single pound. Thanks to all that support me and stand by me and tell me I am beautiful the way I am.

Lame Co-Worker Joke #3

(This guy just keeps giving me ammunition to work with! R.I.P Ted Kennedy. I honestly don't know a lot about his politics and policies but I could feel the respect and love that a lot of people feel for him so that part saddens me. Now on to my lame coworker joke that relates to this.)

(Seeing the book that I was reading).

Lame Co-worker: Oh! Terry Brooks! I read him about a hundred years ago!

Co-Worker #1: Oh I didn't know you were that old.

Lame Co-Worker: Oh you didn't know? I was Ted Kennedy's godfather!

Me: /rolls eyes and walks away.

Meet Up!

Just got done getting dressed for meetup with guildies in Nashville. This should be a blast! Then going to party with my friend Adrienne tonight. It's going to be a good day.

We dropped Toby off at Petsmart for doggy day care. It was funny because he didn't give us a second glance back as we left. (or even a first!) We love that our dog is independent. Clinginess is not good.

You all have a great weekend and enjoy it to the fullest! Pics and news when I come back.

Lame Co-Worker Joke #2

(My team lead was talking about how in a particular format, the first name isn't required anymore and how silly that is.)

Team Lead: I mean everybody has a first name! Even if he only had one name like Prince. I would call him Prince Prince. Or Cher Cher!

Everybody: (laughs)

Lame Coworker: Cher and Cher Alike! (chuckles to himself)

Everybody (including Team Lead): ...

Lame Co-Worker Joke of the Day

Describing an establishment that just had lettuce for a salad with no other additions.

Lame Coworker: That salad was a honeymoon salad.

Me:?????

Lame Coworker: It was Just Lettuce (Let Us) Alone.

Me:... (internal /facepalm)

Vacation Can't be Over :(

So I think I didn't want to write about my vacation being over because I'm in denial (I really am). I had such a great time I didn't want it to end. And now I am anticipating the next vacation. Even more so because I will get to take it with my husband! (I can't believe I'll be married then.)

The drive down was uneventful and I proudly drove my part. Thursday night we finally found a place to eat after a series of unfortunate setbacks but it worked out because it was Uno's. And we had potato skin pizza. Can we say mmmmmm good?



Friday, it was cloudy but we and my family and sister enjoyed chillin on the beach.

Saturday, we caught fish. And more fish. And more fish. My mom is having a fish fry. I WILL be in attendance.

Sunday was a leisure drive home and ended with playing video games that night.

Monday was a recuperating day. Everyone should take one of those after a vacation.

This was an amazing day as usual. Kind of sad that I missed my good friends getting married this past weekend but they understand. now looking forward to my good friends Adrienne and Cole's wedding. And then on to mine! Wow time is flying. Good to be back (in a very small way) but I know I will need a vacation by November.

Love ya!

Vacation....Bring It On!

I have been soooo busy lately. I haven't posted but I have been thinking about posting. Does that count?

Well I've been having a lot of fun with J and planning for the wedding. I scheduled a room to get ready in before the wedding. I would have liked to stay in a hotel but I save $350 this way. I think that's the correct way to go.

I bought my flowers for the bridesmaids bouquets and I love them! This is going to be a DIY job so I get to try to make my own bouquets. It should be interesting.

J and I have been spending a lot of quality time which I think is the right away to go. Sometimes we just get off the game and chill out to a movie or just talk. I love that I keep finding out awesome things about J.

I moved to a new building at work. I moved to the 2nd floor temporarily, and then I'm going to the sixth floor. I like the view at the 2nd floor though. Nice flow of traffic along Market Street. If you are ever in Louisville and see the new skyscraper they built at Market and 9th, I'll be coding up on the Sixth floor.

Tomorrow morning we are off to vacation. Even if it's supposed to rain and we are taking Toby with us (actually, that's a good thing!), I think that we are going to have an awesome time.

Here's to me blogging more on a regular basis. I know you miss me and I'll try to fuel your addiction more, I promise ;)

What If Your Child Is Gay?

So I came across this video on one of the blogs that I read regularly:

http://mightygirl.com/2009/08/05/what-if-your-kid-is-gay/

And this had me thinking, what if my child is gay? J knows my views on homosexuals and they are really liberal. To me, if someone can find love and get it reciprocated, who am I to tell them that it's wrong? I was raised Baptist but thanks to my parents, I never saw homosexuality as wrong.

If my child was gay, I would feel the same way. But I would feel for them. The hardships from being gay are definitely real. I would worry about them getting teased at school or discriminated against. I would worry that if he does find love, he would not be given the right to get married.

I want everything for my kids that i didn't have (as most parents do). I will want my kids to be happy no matter what. If my kids were gay, it would not matter in the slightest and I wouldn't love them any less. I would not be ashamed of them or hide their sexual preference any more than I would if my child was straight. What about you? Have you thought about you would do if your child was gay?

How Do You Exercise?

I read an article today on Yahoo that says tests have shown that exercise is having the opposite effect on weight gain that one would expect.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20090806/hl_time/08599191485700

The calories that people were losing while exercising were being gained back after the person exercised and had an intense craving for something to eat. These people were going to get french fries, muffins, burgers all the while making excuses that they can eat that because they just worked out.

So working out only works if 1) You can ignore the temptation which means you are miserable. 2) You work out sooooo much that what you eat doesn't matter.

Neither of these sound like something I would be into. I suppose eating healthy snacks after working out can help but I have a problem with saying no to things so saying no to a food I really want would be rough.

So my weight loss plan (however slow it might be) is going to be eating sensibly. I will NOT deprive myself of sweets totally or this will just make me binge on Pie Kitchen. I will make sure to get daily moderate exercise (thanks to Toby). I won't get my weight down fast but I know it will happen. And I will be healthy. Which is the most important.

I know a lot of people will disagree with the article stating their own results and that's fine. I think that each person is different and must approach their weight loss and health at their own pace and their own way.

Health to all. That's all that matters.

And It Came

There was a horrible thunderstorm today. I didn't know how bad it was going to be but it was bad. As I was driving into work, Indiana was across the river on my right and Kentucky was on my left. The sky around Kentucky was a little darker than normal for 7:30 but not too much so. But the sky on the Indiana side was black as night. It was sooo weird looking. I was hoping I would get to work before the storm started.

After parking in the parking garage, I was walking to my work and it looked like it was 9 at night. It was a bit odd and I hurried in before the rain started. And oh did it start. It was thundering, lightning, and hailing. There was 6-8 inches of water in one hour. EVERYTHING flooded. My parents basement, Churchill downs, the University of Louisville. It was almost like half the city was under water.

Even the basement of the new skyscraper they are building for my work flooded. And it lost power. The people that had already moved over there had to come over to our building and the customer service reps had to use our cubicles because they were actually fielding calls from customers. So, we sat around for four hours and did nothing until they finally sent us home.

So. September was a wind storm. January was an ice storm. August was the thunderstorms. So I figure we have something to deal with earth next. Dust storm? Earth quake? /shrug. Look on the news if you want to see all the crazy stuff. :)

But it's calmer now and I can only hope that it's all over.