J and I were IMing while we were at work today (I get my work done, no worries) and we had a lot of deep conversations. There were a lot of realizations today and a lot of things that I know I have to work on. Most of them are regarding my ex (of course). It's almost like I'm in a rehabilitation center and I have to go to weekly (or daily) therapy sessions.
I realized that I feel responsible for my ex still. I want to protect him from all the hurts in the world and from unhappiness and stress. Ironic since I was the one that brought him the most hurt, unhappiness, and stress. I'm not saying it makes sense. I'm just saying what I feel. But as J told me, it's not my job anymore. He can take care of himself. And I know he can...but I have to break myself of me trying to shelter him. Not sure how this is to be accomplished but this is another issue that I have to work on. Another thing that will take time
I also realize that I still feel a connection with him. No matter how many months I go without hearing from him or how many hundreds of miles away he is, I feel him. It's like something I can almost palpate....and hold in my hands. I feel him. I think a part of me is scared of losing that connection. I'm not saying it's a two-way connection. I have no way of knowing that. Of course a part of me wishes it was two-way. That's another thing I have to deal with in my "therapy session". That connection is something I am afraid to sever if that is even possible. The funny thing is I think the connection started when I was 12 years old and I have held onto it for 17 years. Since I was a young girl, it's been there....like a close friend. As insane as that sounds.
I don't know how J stays with me when I tell him this. This openness and honesty is something I have never had before. I tell him things that should make me drop him in an instant...and yet he stays. And continues to hold my hand through my withdrawal. Wonder if it's really like a withdrawal. I am glad to discover things about me. Talking brings it out. Thanks for staying with me J...I'm hoping I'll be worth it in the end and not too broken.
A 120 pound Rottweiler thinks he's an 8 pound Chihuahua.
Riding in the rain on a motorcycle, even if it's just a little sprinkle, hurts.
Riding over bumps and potholes on a motorcycle, no matter no little, hurts
I still love riding on motorcycles
Presbyterians love their hymns
Filipino women are the coolest and cutest
Rural Indiana isn't so bad (but I still don't want to live there)
Home made biscuits and gravy are the shit
It's nice to get away from Louisville (but not so nice to get away from J)
I love shopping
People in rural Indiana take care of their lawns and their houses
Apparently I look Hawaiian and J looks Mexican...who would have known?
So as you all can tell, I had a great time in Indiana. It was a time for me to clear my head and not think about certain issues. It's almost impossible to not do that in Louisville. Thank you so much Arlene for the cookout and biscuits and gravy! Who would have known that Filipino woman could throw down like that. And I never got tired of Jing saying bullshit. I think my favorite part is that they have difficulty relating the f sound so when she said flip-flops she ended up saying plip-plops. I love her!
But I realize that a lot of Filipino women have it hard coming over to the States. The husbands use their loyalty to turn them into virtual slaves and it's very sad. But I love to see the outcome of the situation that these women have left. It's amazing.
Keystone Mall in Indianapolis is amazing. The stores are so expensive and it made my mouth water. I mean...the Coach store was great. Yea I know we have on in Louisville but I found my perfect bag in Indianapolis. Now I just have to find out where I'm going to get that $400 required.
But I had a great time in Indiana. But I think the best part was pulling up and seeing J when I came back. That was great. Can't wait to take J up there and show him all the corn fields! Just be prepared to be covered in Rosco's dog hair and dog spit. He shows you he loves you with his tongue. A lot of stuff was hard this weekend. But I value J's patience and love. I can't say it enough.
Jack Handey quote of the day--
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.